If I Could Describe It All

If I could describe it all, I would.
     But no matter what words I choose, it would never make sense.
The pain of uncertainty…who would have known?
     But I knew. And yet I was powerless. Speechless.
I was subjected to prolonged exposure to try to understand. To conform.
     But I just wanted to forget.
               How can you forget something you can never remember?    

From the systematic oppression, I saw to the injustices I somehow knew were always there…
     But what could I do? That is just the way it had to be.
All I had left were suppressed feelings and rehearsed responses.
     But I could never control the insurmountable pain of guilt, loss, and incompetence.

I lived on pretending I was capable, like I belonged. Broken and confused…I was left behind.
I look at you and try to envision how you perceive me.
     But through the blurry haze of privilege, I am barely invisible.
The constant battle with conformity, acceptance, and uncertainty drive me to you…
There are moments of clarity where I can piece it all together.
     But I know that it was not my fault.
What a privilege to be educated.
     But I am unsure of what hurts more, thinking that you know…or knowing that you don’t.
Here I stand to prove that education is a privilege.
     But the understanding and acceptance of yourself is the price of your knowledge.